Al Qaeda Stock Expected to Rebound

This week Al-Qaeda released a new video explaining the steps it's taking to assure it's future as the top terror delivering organization in the world. In the video CEO Ayman al-Zawahiri apologized to shareholders, tearing up as he recounted the company's recent rocky years. He then paused, it's been speculated he's been studying Steve Jobs, and announced Al-Qaeda's next big thing: a branch in India. The branch is intended to strengthen Al-Qaeda's brand recognition worldwide, and tap into India's brain talent. Something Ayman hopes, will position Al-Qaeda to be more competitive in the future. 

Ayman al-Zawahiri  did address the ISIS threat in his video. He said he's hopeful that the world community can unite to defeat this threat, leaving Al-Qaeda as the preferred terror delivering organization. In addition Ayman is hopeful that the attention being paid to ISIS will give Al-Qaeda the needed time to re-coup, recharge their corporate synergy, and refocuses their goals. 


What ever happens it's clear that Al-Qaeda must to more to stay competitive is the growing world marketplace of terror. 

ISIS and the Social Media Threat

This week the world has been horrified to find ISIS in the very place they hold most dear, social media. They have been taking over Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, causing millions to run and panic, just from opening their YouTube app. As the ISIS social media campaign has accelerated in recent weeks, Obama has called for arming social media rebels to fight this new threat. The rebels, a group called trolls, post charged comments on controversial media or news articles, resulting in an endless war. Usually, these comment wars lead to frustration, low self esteem, and suicidal thoughts, to those involved. Arming this group to fight on social media, Obama hopes, would result in a very demoralized and piddly squat social media effort from ISIS in the future. This call has been met with criticism by some in Congress, who argue that trolls can't be trusted and that it's very possible for these rebels to use the weapons to be supplied against the US in the future. Another issue some in Congress have, is picking the right rebels to support. Many of these rebels are fighting their own battles, and some don't line up with American values. For instance, HateKatiePerry, on YouTube is dedicated to the destruction of Katie Perry on the web. Katie Perry's support for Obama no doubt lead to a majority of the 18-24 female voting for him. An Obama press release indicated that people like him would not be part of the operation.

 John McCain, when questioned about which rebels to arm, responded that he knew them "very well", and could tell "at a glance" who would make a good social media rebel. Quote, "there are two groups we have to choose from. The hipster, Hillary supporting crowd, and the live-in-the-basement group. We obviously should go with the basement group, the usually have passed high school, are armed with water cooled gaming PCs, are unrelenting, staying up all hours of the night just to close out one debate, the only problem is that they're not patriotic. But you know, I think we can work on that. I spent a night over at Kevin's house playing World Of Warcraft and we had the best time. Reminded me of seeing Sarah Palin for the first time, both of them were true patriots. Bush came over for a few hours, and he confided in me later, that he had looked into Kevin's eyes, and caught a glimpse of his soul. He like what he saw apparently. I mean, how can you argue with such an intellect!"

This morning however, the debate has all but ended as the ISIS hashtag #americasucks reached viral status. Many in the opposition camp to Obama's policy changed their position in support of the measure. A vote in the House and Senate to provide these social media rebels with coffee, Twinkies, Mac books, free broadband, and a full 4 monitor workspace is expected to pass this week. Some on the right in Congress are calling for more training and heavy weapons to be supplied to the rebels. Namely, how to use the name of Jesus Christ to repel the enemy, and the supply of Bibles to effectively convert ISIS militants. Rick Perry released this statement to the press today, "It's my personal belief that if the rebels are correctly instructed on how to use the Lord's name in an effective way to combat the ISIS threat online, that he will indeed intervene and that their weapons will fail, their hard drives will crash, their WI-Fi will cease to work, and their motherboards will fry."

Rick Perry Seriously Injured

Today ISIS rebels took to social media to spark support for their group with a viral video campaign. Copying ALS ice bucket challenge, the allegedly fake video shows an Arab man being shot with an US made AR machine gun, and walking away completely unharmed. The man then urged viewers to join the ISIS cause claming that the, "bullets of the infidels, are harmless against the might of Allah," and issued a #infidelweaponssuckchallege to all true believers. The goal being that others would shoot themselves with US made weapons, proving the power of Allah against the infidels.

In response Rick Perry has upload a very passionate video of himself proclaiming that his God was "far stronger than Allah", and that he would prove it by quote, "Those Middle East wimps aren't confident in their God, that's why they only fire one bullet. I'm so confident that my God will use his power to protect me that I'm going to be shot with two bullets. We need to win the war on the social medias!" Perry then donned a pair of safety goggles and yelled at the person in front of him, "shoot!" It's speculated that this person was Dick Cheney, but this has not been confirmed. The footage ends as Perry collapses to the ground. Perry is now in the hospital with fractured ribs and a punctured lung. In a statement released today by Rick Perry's aid, Perry is in stable condition and considering becoming a Muslim.